someday we will understand

A new song

2012-01-03T15:01:00.004Z

In 2011, i've come to know failure and battle. It was the hardest i've had so far (no doubt there'll be more in the future). Was literally driven to my knees daily by desperate tears, fears and hopelessness, and came to that place where i have to cling on to the truth that God was my only hope. It was such a humbling and life-changing experience - i realised i've never really failed in life before.

It was as though God gave me a lil reality crash course on what Joshua experienced - except that Joshua's zeal seemed so consistent in his life and death circumstances, and i was being such a pathetic coward - i barely made it.

But God in His grace and mercy, dragged and pulled me through. Much happened in-between, where God Himself really provided and grant me grace beyond my imagination. And I graduated.

This time, I can truly, really, boast that it was ALL God, none of me, who did this.

Now I understand what this means:

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

- 1 Peter 5:10

... The person sitting next to me, in an attempt to make conversation, said,

"So, you're the leadership consultant." (I love that opening line—usually delivered with a hint of sarcasm!) Then he asked, "What do you think is the most important characteristic a leader must possess to be successful?"

My honest response was: "She or he must have been broken—physically, spiritually, professionally, personally, relationally—and then gotten up, dusted themselves off and continued forward with the wisdom from that loss seared in both mind and heart. I would never follow a leader that is unbroken. He or she lacks the compassion and humility to lead others."
- John Busacker (Why You Need To Fail on Relevant Magazine)

Oh, and good old Violet :) :

" I feel different. Is different okay?"

- Violet (The Incredibles, 2004)

In the same year, I found rest. Rest, especially from going through change and transitions since coming to U.K. It has been a constant moving and travelling for the past 3 years - moving from house to house almost each year, lost count of how many hostels (thanks to our dear zealous Fiona :), loads of packing and unpacking, hellos and goodbyes, departing and arriving, airports, train and bus stations, different time-zones, languages and cultures, people, seasons and weathers.

I've never felt so worn out, but at the same time i've never felt so lifted and built up.

My heart is restless in me
My wings are all worn out
I’m walking in the wilderness
And I cannot get out

I need You, oh I need You
Blessed savior come
I need You, oh I need You
Fill the every longing of my soul
Oh how I need You Lord
I need Your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see
The sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed You just today

And my bed is soaked with sadness
My sadness has no end
A downward spiral of despair
That I keep falling in

Your silence is like death to me
So won’t You hear my desperate plea

Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys
They are all just passing by
Its not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I’ve been lifted higher
Yahweh’s lifted me in His own strength

Oh how I love You Lord
I love your perfect word
With tearful eyes I see
The God who always will endure
Now I will celebrate
For all the thousand ways
That you have shown me grace
And made my heart in grace to stay
You made my heart in grace to stay
Lord, make my heart in grace to stay
I need You, oh I need You

- I Need You by The Swift

As i reflected on life thus far towards the end of 2011, wrapped it up, shelved it, said my goodbye to my Egypt and wilderness, I realised what comes next would be a totally different season, i can hardly even begin to imagine how it'd be like.

My word for 2012 is to sing a fresh, new song, one day at a time. "The old has passed away, ... the new has come."

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
- 2 Cor 4:18

This lil light of mine, i'm gonna let it shine

2011-01-16T11:04:00.000Z

Carmen placed into my hands her lamp with a broken shade early last year, hoping i could fix it. And it's been hidden under my table, ignored, until early December 2010, it's been given attention to again...

...restored, and returned to its rightful owner as an early Christmas gift and a late 21st birthday present. :P

I like how it can be beautiful and ugly at the same time - like us.

And i guess, when something's not very pleasing to the eye, when light shines from within, it becomes something beautiful.

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.
... we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
- 2 Corinthians 4: 6-9

A new page

2011-01-11T00:13:00.004Z

Counting down in Brussels reminded me how everyone is still very human. The squeezing in the tall crowd (as this short Asian girl), finding spaces between tall heads to be able to see what's happening, shouting the numbers, and it's 2011. Scary.

Just because i suddenly had this awareness, accompanied by a tiny wave of fear, of how new, clean, untouched 2011 is. It's the unknown. So much possibilities of change. And just... possibilities beyond imagination. So much uncertainty.

That also means how much further i can go, no limits. Nervous much, but hopeful and a slight tingling of excitement.

And the joy and happiness on everyone's faces! I forgot how stepping into the New Year can bring such an amazing feeling. Remembering how everyone deep down has their burdens to carry, no matter how different and foreign their lives from mine, who they are, where they come from. Novelty brings hope. Clean. Forgiven. A fresh, new chance, to try again. The mistakes and failures everyone carry, their own and the ones against them.

So i guess it's a good thing we live in the dimension of time after all. Of the need to change and keep moving forward. To refuse it is equal to death.

As colours and sparkles exploded in the sky, came the sudden awareness of my existence, and the life that i've had so far. And the thought of becoming a graduate quite soon. 3 years! Nostalgic memories already formed while i was still stuck thinking that i'm new in this foreign world and reality.

3 years ago, i started out like this (almost literally)...

(Photos taken in Newstead Abbey, Nottinghamshire, Sept 2008. And yep, that's really me.)

Sometimes i still do feel like this, shrinking back into that lil girl with much fear. But yes, still in the process of getting over myself, looking beyond, and to leave the nest, take the leap into the air and risks, and soar on wings like eagles.

The more you explore, the world only gets bigger. It's very humbling.

In 2011, I'll learn to embrace more, to joy, and to love beyond. And to venture deeper into the unending reality of Love and Truth, to continually be made new though it hurts, to be strong and courageous in battles, and to be Homeward Bound.

Cheers to the furrows on our brow
To each hard-won victory
Cheers to the losses that grew us up
Killed our pride, and filled our cup

Cheers to the friendships well worn in
That time nor distance alter
Here's to the sleepers we'll see again
Find company in memoria

Open your mouth and sing out your song
Life is short as the day is long
I can't leave you my body
But I'll leave you a tune
This is my legacy
Cheers to you

Cheers to the passing of our youth
And the death of lust not one day
A toast to the lessons not yet learned
And to the trials that will teach them

- Here's To You by Brooke Fraser

And to remember how beautiful life is, in its messiness, and soak myself in it.

Forward

2010-09-01T21:10:00.001+01:00

What can i say... It's another year. again. But it's been a year that has made a whole lot of difference, just because of a lot things understood, learning how to piece the puzzles together to see the big picture. Nothing can really (/is supposed to) stand alone. All of us are still seeking in different ways.

"Oh, so this is how it feels like to be a normal person."

I've always felt like i'm a misfit, an outcast, just...not...normal (abnormal doesn't sound right). (It's been one of my major struggles, trying to figure out why am i not like other people, and trying to be like them, to be how i'm supposed to be, what the adults expect me to be, and then always end up being very angry, disappointed, frustrated, confused at myself.) And later on, am i glad when i found out that i'm not alone, and it's not my fault, and how i'm meant to be different this way for a good reason. I guess all of us have our stories of trying (sometimes too hard) to fit in in one way or another, whether it's been for better or worse.

Recently i was basking in the apprehension and perspectives that i've finally reached and grabbed hold of, complacency kicked in, so did death, eventually, in my moving forward. And Philippians 3: 12-16 meant so much more, that life is not so much in the reaching or achieving, just because it's an ongoing thing, it's more about running and enduring the race, facing and fighting our daily battles. It's about the rising up again when we fall, especially when it happens more than we think we can bear.

It's not so much of "Travel is a means to an end. Home." (-Taken from Ikea's print ad on the London Underground tube map). But it's more of "the journey itself is home." - Matsuo Basho.

Right now, this blog is totally white and blank. But that doesn't mean that it's empty. I assume that you'll be smart enough to press CTRL+A :).

So yes, there's actually more to than meets the eye. Get it? :D

Tell me why do i get so so angryirritatedfrustrated when people are quick to condemn, and don't even desire to understand why, about people, especially children who're misunderstood. It'd really make this world a better place to live in.

So, Malaysia just turned 53 yesterday.

I'd rather us stop building taller, bigger, nicer buildings, and revamp the whole education system so that everybody will learn to start asking questions and to think on their own, and have all political leaders go through an open interrogation with a lie detector and for those who need it, rescue them (and us) from their immaturity.

They say our national anthem is a love song.

Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya darahku,
Rakyat hidup, bersatu dan maju,
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan,
Raja kita, selamat bertakhta.
Rahmat bahagia, Tuhan kurniakan,
Raja kita, selamat bertakhta

I realised after U.K, i now mean every word when i sing it.

It's good to know that there's still a long way for us to go. So much to look forward to. Hmm...

What I've been up to in my room

2010-05-17T01:23:00.002+01:00

Just to amuse myself. :P

Pardon the mess. It's been quite awhile since i last had such satisfaction *sigh*, that makes it all worth it. :) (Though i don't know what tomorrow holds, i trust. Glory to Him who has made everything possible! It's been really quite a miracle.)

I know, i know. I'll be back (blogging i mean) after tomorrow, for real :). It's been such an awesome ride, though it didn't feel like it (far from it) when i was in the middle of it. But through it, wow... my eyes opened to so much beauty, epiphanies, of people, of THE BIG PICTURE, of so much! That the more i experienced and understand, the more i am convinced and convicted of this Truth i've been holding on to, the more i am overwhelmed by the beauty of it, the grand scale of it, of how everything unfolds, connects, overlaps... right, my words could hardly do it justice.

I have so much that i want to share, but i have no idea how am i going to put them in words. I doubt i can. Doesn't matter, i'll leave that till another day.

Or maybe some things are just meant to be felt and experienced, not to be translated into words or understood through them?

But right now, the soundtrack will be this:

Joyful, Joyful
Lord, we adore Thee!
God of glory
Lord of love
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Hail Thee as the sun above
Melt the clouds of sin and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away
Drive it away
Giver of immortal gladness
Fill us with the light of day
Light of day!

- Joyful Joyful by Sister Act 2

Woohoo! Praise the Lord! :)

P.S. : Oh yes, of more recklessness with words when you're happier. I might regret this later, but it doesn't matter. :)

The best for us

2010-03-17T14:46:00.002Z

Today, Carmen's mum said across the lines of, there's no need to compare our lives with others because God gives us the best for us, therefore whatever we have now (our lives, the people we're with, including the ones we dislike), whatever we're going through, is already God's best for us, now, in this present moment and season.

Wow, what a thought.

It's only natural for some of us to think that the best is yet to come. And we're always waiting, and waiting, and waiting, for the best to come. But i guess i should stop waiting, for God has already given me the best, but i've not been contented but blinded with greed and dissatisfaction and threw silent tantrums, always wishing i'm elsewhere, living in my somedays instead of being present.

It's like looking at others having mouth-watering yeow char kwai, assam laksa and satay celup, and you want those too, but your mum says:" No, you are sick, and those are very unhealthy for you, now, eat up your veggies and swallow up your bowl of (yucky) chinese medicine that i've made for you, out of my love for you."

What's best for other people, doesn't mean that it's the best for me, just because each of us is wired differently by our Maker. Though God owns the whole universe, the best that our heavenly Father can give, will be more than what we can imagine, but what He wants to give, might not be the great and wonderful things i expect, but He knows us inside-out and what we need, and He will deal with us in ways He deem best for each of us, individually, tailor-made for who we are. And the fact that He wants the best for us, He gives not just the second best, but the best to us, for us.

His own life and this intimate relationship with Him are the best things for us that He has already given. But sadly, i've taken them for granted, sometimes even forgotten and didn't treasure these precious gifts (paid with a very heavy price) as much as i should.

As i'm typing this, i'm reminded of Sarah Lim's post on choosing God day by day. Since God has already given His best for me, it's my choice, my responsibility to choose Him, to choose and live the best He has already given.

Enough of driving myself insane with so much negativity (and sorry for spreading so much negativity too, it's so energy draining). I will learn to choose to see that the cup is half-full, not half-empty.

Maybe i should play the glad game. (Now that the sun is out and the days longer, it'll be easier).

And yes, the best is yet to come. But for now, this, today, would suffice, because it is already the best.

Romans 8:28 looks different but clearer now. :)

sank in

2010-03-09T02:14:00.010Z

Show encrypted text

Every Season

2010-03-01T04:09:00.007Z

By Nichole Nordeman

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You
In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come
You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

---

It's been painful, but I'm grateful.

Our dreams drench us in senses, and senses again steep us in dreams.

2010-02-18T13:02:00.002Z

Typophile Film Festival 5 Opening Titles from Brent Barson on Vimeo.

The meaning of the details and everything is totally AWESOME! Found this at Jun Mei's .

Now i wish i stayed in TOA a lil longer to learn typography, though you guys had been saying that it's such a pain in the *ss.

"If eyes are meant for seeing
then beauty is its own excuse for being."

"Sound conducts the symphony of life. "

"Everyone eats & drinks
but few appreciate taste."

"Nothing conjures a more vivid memory
than a familiar scent."

And my favourite:

"The sense of touch
adds dimension to our existence."

"A is for another try. "
- Brent Barson

Innocent eyes

2010-02-05T16:49:00.001Z

I adore her eyes.

A quick 1-hour-plus-to-2 hours sketch (Wasn't really aware of the time). My first (rough) figure in a long time. I think my drawing skills deteriorated quite abit, but thankfully not too much.

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, going through another season of breaking and change (in the mind). It's been painful and hard. I guess, finally, the thought that life IS indeed hard is being drummed into my mind and being. Taking the effort to find joy in the midst of sorrow is daunting, but necessary, to stay sane. (That's why Christimas is totally needed in December. It gives people a reason to celebrate in the cold, depressing winter.) The thought of growing up and being responsible (plus the loneliness) has been overwhelming at times. I realised my feelings plays a major part of my being. I actually have to muster up the strength to feel responsible in order to be responsible. I can hardly imagine becoming like people who don't really feel. It'll be like an empty shell, very machine-like. (No offence to people who don't really feel :P. Of course, you have huge advantages.)

I've learnt to rest in being 'on the way' instead of feeling the need to finish or to reach the destination as soon as possible. Though sometimes i long for the time where i could 'settle down', have everything sorted and figured out, and to be able to rest. But, slowly and surely, i'll be there.

Maybe ignorance IS bliss.

But too much bliss can destroy, i think.

Grace

2010-01-13T21:05:00.002Z

by U2

Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace, it's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma, karma
She travels outside of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition
What once was hurt, what once was friction
What left a mark no longer stains
Because Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace finds goodness in everything

All that probably doesn't matter

2010-01-10T23:10:00.008Z

I can forget about everything else if i don't seek God and His will first, and allowing His lordship over me and my life. Period.

Didn't think it'd be spiritual. I felt SO MUCH BETTER after being prayed for. A full armor of God i'll put on.
Thank You God for this timely and desperately needed help and reminder.

And thanks Angel (a very apt name given :).

Are You Ready?

2010-01-10T20:03:00.001Z

"...because love covers over a multitude of sins."

-1 Peter 4: 8b

Something i did for my fellowship's Retreat (to be held on the first weekend of Febuary 2010).

On the back cover it says:

"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him."

-Matthew 24: 42-44

That long overdue New Year post (2nd attempt)

2010-01-10T18:49:00.035Z

So i've spent my New Year's Eve working at Mr Man's (a chinese restaurant). I quite enjoyed it- plus i'd rather be indoors being useful than being outdoor freezed into an iceblock.

Entertainers were hired, which comprised of a quite elderly lady singer (she has a good voice for her age IMHO) and a guy playing a keyboard. A reasonable-sized dance floor was opened and people started dancing towards the end of the night (especially some elderly couples - which i thought were so sweet! :)

At the border of 2009's end, we all took a break from whatever we were doing and celebrated together the coming of 2010. With May's arm on my shoulder, we counted down and sang 'Auld Lang Syne', while watching people dancing, cheering and being happy.

I agreed with Gretha (my fellow receptionist :) that celebrating New Year in the whole atmosphere of the restaurant feels different, but nice.

So i was quite happy.

----

In 2009, besides all the failures, shame and bumps along the way, I'm glad that it's been quite a significant year of growth, understanding and seeing things clearer.
Among some of the life-changing significant events/experiences were:

Going through my first winter.
Experiencing real snow for the first time.
Dancing with Nusantara.
Going for New Word Alive conference.
Going for my first backpacking trip- in Pisa, Rome and Florence, with Fiona.
Finding out how profound Yasmin Ahmad is as a person after her sudden death.
Knowing and understanding more about people (including myself), meeting new ones and forging closer bonds with some old ones.
Finishing my first year of university and going on to the second one.
Starting my part-time job.
Turning 20.

Some of the things to remember in 2010:

Be balanced.
"No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up."
I'm stepping into my final year of university end of this year (!).
I'm no more a kid.
But don't lose your child-like faith.
Live your waking moments. Take one moment at a time.
Don't let your passion die but renew yourself in God's presence everyday.
It's a relationship.
"Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about."
You're just a tiny lil dot in The Big Picture.
But you play a crucial role in making a difference.
You're still a work in progress.
Give your best in all that you can do.
Trust God in what you can't.
Being punctual is a choice!
Be more optimistic.
Celebrate even the small things
Love.
Rejoice!

Today, already 10th day of the year. 355 more days for the year.

Though, Malaysia have not had a good start for the year, very sad and discouraging in fact. But quite an eye-opener as well. 10 more years to 2020. Can we actually achieve a 'fully developed country' status in 10 years time?

Start. Beginnings. Who defines where and when are the starting points anyway? Just because we live in the dimension of time, every passing second is new, clean, unwritten, waiting to be filled with choices, and the rewards and consequences that comes with it. And who knows, pleasant surprises in disguise may come too?

Maybe because i've been dragging this post for way too long, i think i've lost 'it'. I've got too much to be translated into words. Ah...so much for wanting this post to be short and sweet. Nevermind.

Being ready is probably a choice too.

2010, you're going to be a great year- not in the sense that everything will turn out well, but because God is good and His intentions and purposes are good.

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
-Isaiah 43:18-19

....now to click the 'Publish Post' button and get it done and over with!

The girl on a swing

2010-01-05T20:47:00.011Z

Image by rosieaprilleeson

So i could finally draw a line across "Do something to my boring/ childish/ totally uninspiring blog header." on my to-do list.

Think the girl in that photo above looks similar to the one in the header? Yep, i used this photo as a reference. Boo~ :P

Our somedays will soon be todays and then they will eventually turn into yesterdays. Our yesterdays used to be somedays that became todays and end up what they are now - yesterdays.

I will live my todays as todays, and let my yesterdays be yesterdays, and knowing that my somedays... will become todays eventually.

And my days are my lifesong to my Maker, my story in His Grand Story.

I will learn to make that choice everyday.

For some reason , i find that there's always something beautiful about an image of a girl on a swing...

Maybe because it is the thought of being totally worry-free and responsibility-free that is inviting (Is that also called laziness?). In total peace. Being able to forget the need to be concerned about time passing by and being able to be idle-minded or daydream into my somedays.

Or is it because of the thought of being off the ground and pretend to be able to fly...

...but not going anywhere.

Isn't that self-deceiving?

At least i can still Hope.

The image of 'a girl on a swing' in my mind has always been one sitting on a swing.

I guess it's time for her to stand.

累

2009-12-29T03:34:00.001Z

做人真的很累。

真是糟糕，20岁罢了都已经埋怨说累。剩余的人生怎么度过啊?

几个月前，我和我一位朋友聊天，也提到我感觉多么的累，多么的想放弃。
他说，放弃，不就等于停止生活了吗？

不，我不愿意只是单单生存着。我要充满生命力地活。

一次又一次的失败，每一次在脑子里都有这声音说：“你做人真是失败!”

失败的态度。失败的想法。对自己的失望也大大地沉压了自己的心。是自己给了自己太大的压力。

已经几个月了，还是不知道怎样平衡自己。记得妈咪整天唠叨地叮咛着：“成功是点点滴滴的，不是轰轰烈烈。”

莫非，我得用我一世人来跟这问题奋斗?

忘了刚信主的时候，其中一个最喜欢的经文： "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. " （1 Peter 5:7)

还有，"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matt 11:28)

看来神真的很关心我得需要，今天突然到处看到很多关于'rest' 的经文。
谢谢我的天父爸爸！:)

真是的。干吗硬要背着自己沉重的负担？

那么简单的东西竟然变得那么难。

虽然从小就非常讨厌‘负责任’这三个字。
我想，小学老师们都能用一个字来形容我 - 懒。

长大后，彼不得已必须放下自己的不喜欢，逼自己完成必须被完成的事情。时常忙到竟然放不下。久了，就感到好累。

不，算了。不应该埋怨。放下，看开点，把一切都交托给神。

大部分都怪情绪吧。它好像能够把我的乐观的能力全都吞没了一样。

感谢主在我生命里放了好多天使似的朋友来鼓励我。 :)

好吧。抬起头来，仰望着神。

"他对我说：我的恩典够你用的，因为我的能力是在人的软弱上显得完全。(2 Cor 12:9)"

不应该让神的喜悦给夺走。

再多两天，又是新的一年。

明天，又是一个新的开始与希望，新的挑战与奋斗。而且并不是独自一个人一步一步往前走 - 我有神为伴。:)

嘿，这大概是我六年级程度的华语吧。 :P

"一概都是藉着他造的，又是为他造的。" (Col 1:16)

Because of Love

2009-12-25T12:22:00.003Z

That's Christmas for you.

Jingle Bells in the snow!

2009-12-23T04:07:00.014Z

It's 4:11am in the morning now but i couldn't wait until the next day to post this up!

Conductor: Jason Loh (The coolest conductor ever!!)

The left-over choir:

S- Kimberly, Grace Khoo, Wei En, Christina Khoo, me.
A- Gretha, Elaine Ho, Wen Qi.
T- Byron, Ben Cheong
B- Ngee Zheng, Hon Chien

Hope you enjoyed the video! And that's my lil Christmas gift to you all i guess. heh.

That's just a tiny lil portion of joy, of my experience with the Solid Rock choir. It's been so much fun! It feels just like playing in the brass band. :) ...or maybe better. :D

(Solid Rock is basically a Christian Fellowship made up mostly by Malaysian/Singaporean/international students based in Nottingham University.)

The Solid Rock choir was 'formed' for the purpose of performing for the annual 'Reason For The Season' Christmas event earlier this month (pictures can be found in Facebook if it interests you).

But even after the event ended, alot of us couldn't bear to face the fact to stop singing together just like that because we just enjoyed it too much.

So, Jason arranged for us to sing carols at his church (The Christian Center, Talbot Street, Nottingham) at the entrance inside and just be a blessing to people coming in and going out. There are just a few of us because the rest of the choir have gone home/somewhere else for Christmas.

The story behind this video:

We were practicing inside halfway through when it started snowing! (It has already been snowing for the past few days.)

As jakun as we are, we became quite distracted (as we always do. I find it very funny that we're like a bunch of kids! Jason has to constantly 'lecture' and remind us to focus.) and a few people had this crazy idea of singing in the snow.

After awhile, Jason went like:" Okay, Let's sing in the snow."

And so we did! :D

Though it's just one song. It's too cold. :P

Thank You God for this joy, from being with this bunch of people i can call home. Well, it's been awhile that i haven't felt this at home. :)

P/S: Thanks Kimberly for uploading this video! :D

Merry Christmas y'all!! :)

Made in greatness and for greatness

2009-10-15T20:28:00.017+01:00

I still remember the last sunday rainy afternoon in Malaysia.

We were having our (braised? I forgot the actual name and i googled it and saw the images. argh, BAD MOVE. I'm hungry enough already. :() beef noodles in a cafe in O.U.G with Summer, Roxanne and Galen.

And i asked this question about what defines greatness. (It was started by this video clip promo for YC camp earlier that day.)

I remembered Galen said:" Bigness doesn't equal greatness."

Which is so true.

A small gesture by someone could make a great differences in touching another person's life. So, stating the obvious, greatness is about other-centred-ness, for what use is it, if life is all about ourselves?

I guess in this hi-tech, fast paced world now, making a difference isn't just limited to people around us physically. Especially for us who're in the arts, people who write, draw, design, invent, create, build, make music, sing etc.. I suppose we usually 'feel' more and are more prone to being emotional (sometimes, in one way or another) - we need it to evoke inspirations to create to express ourselves or what we want to be known through various or combinations of mediums - words, colours, paintings, pictures, sound, music, photos, pictures, videos, movies, dramas, movements, dance etc etc. And those are things that usually makes us feel and just be human.

"...at the end of the day, the people who make an impact on your life aren't those who teach you the most or know the most or have the smartest things to say. It's the people who make you feel, who make you come alive and make you realize that there's so much more beyond yourself that you can be."

- Crystal Cha

But i guess, those alone are not enough, we need to have a relationship with that something in order to evoke emotions because emotions and feelings come from our relationships with people and things.

At the end of the day...

2009-10-07T03:27:00.012+01:00

Great God who knowest all our needs

Bless Thou our watch and guard our sleep

Forgive our sins of thoughts and deeds

And in Thy peace Thy servants keep

We thank Thee for the day that's done

We trust Thee for the days to be

Thy love we learn in Christ Thy son

O may we all His glory see

Amen

- The B.B Vesper

Its tune has always been beautiful and haunting in my opinion. Only in recent years did i realise how much those words mean.

*Nostalgic*

That makes it something special i'll cherish and treasure, like the birthday cards and lil notes filled with simple words, accompanied with meaningful memories, still kept in my drawer in my room back at home. :)

Sorry non-B.B members, you wouldn't understand how much it means to some of us :P.
FYI, it's a song sang together as a prayer after a long day at B.B, with caps held on our left shoulders, at closing parade.

What makes it better is the harmonising that sometimes happens. lol.

Assured much?

2009-10-06T16:02:00.004+01:00

I still remember the day (not too long ago) when i broke down and bawled my eyes and heart out in front of my parents.

That never happened before - not in front of my parents (at least not during my teenage years?).

I felt so small and helpless. Like a small girl who wants her papa and mama to be there for her. (Sounds pathetic and silly, but sigh, those were one of the days where i refused to grow up. So much for becoming 20 years old. lol.) =/

All that was bottled up within me just burst through my will to hold it back.

I guess i needed some assurance.

No. Let me rephrase that.

I was unconscious that a desperate need of assurance was all i wanted and needed.

I guess you're never too old for some assurance ay?

Assured that you're loved, treasured, heard and known.

So much for being insecure. Hehe..

On another note, I'm SO SO blessed, and far from deserving it.

I can never say THANK YOU enough.

Masks

2009-10-01T18:54:00.003+01:00

Wearing masks. As much as it is becoming a cliche topic, the issue is still very real.

We watched this video the other day in YC. Before i knew it, tears were flowing down my cheeks. Never thought i would forget about it so quickly, and i stumbled upon it yesterday night. It tugged at my heartstrings again.

Reminder to self

2009-09-29T01:45:00.006+01:00

Was sorting and looking at old pictures printed months ago and putting some of them up on my "board" a few days ago.

I realized i have forgotten that, wow, i actually have been through quite a lot (i know it's very little by the world's standards, but hey, they formed a big part of me and are precious to me) learning, doing, playing, all the bonding with people, both good times and bad times.

And i realised (or remembered) that I actually have so much to offer. After all the self-bashing, I'd always like to be invisible, thinking that people don't really take notice of me, that i don't matter much, feeling and being insignificant. (Sad, i know.) It's the same cycle all over again, like how i was years ago.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that i haven't been taking myself seriously.

I've belittled the skills and talents God gave me, and most importantly, my character and personality that apparently is unique and not be deprived to somehow "enrich" and bless the lives of people around me (by God's grace).

I've been very irresponsible. Knew it all along but somehow couldn't find the strength to pick myself up. All the laziness and procastination. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

So, come on you. You have so much to share and offer. Your life, your time, your capabilities, talents, skills, and just...YOU. Don't waste it.

---

Then again, why do i have to rely on what i've gone through to define who i am? Isn't it enough to find your identity in God? Why do we need to have unique identities? What defines it? The people in your life? What you do and what you are capable of? But can you imagine life without them? Why is it such a struggle to lose everything else and just be found in God? ...including your memory..

...thankYou God for this thing called memory. I wouldn't know what i would do without it. It's been depressing to not remember who you are and what you've gone through.

But Paul said:" Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.." (Philippians 3:13)

That just means not living in the past right? Or did he literally mean totally forgetting your past? What about remembering God's faithfulness and all?

Endless strings of questions, again. Not sure if i made the right decision to post all these up. =/

Someone enlighten me please.

That plane ride

2009-09-19T12:21:00.002+01:00

I just wanna say that, i had one of the most interesting plane rides. :)

Thank You God for answering my prayers, and giving me more than what i hoped and asked for!

A seat next to the window and right in front of the toilet (which means there're no more seats behind and we could lie down however low we want).

And next to a nice, friendly guy who's also a final year Pharmacy student in University of Nottingham (which means we actually have quite some mutual friends. Small world. And why is it that i always bump into Pharmacy students??)

And a bleeding wound on my gum (A minor trauma from teeth scaling the other day, and that's why it is good to be so near the toilet :P). That means i've been losing, tasting, swallowing and smelling big chunks of blood for more than 30 hours (Felt super sick of it).

Had very good conversations about lots of things - God (he's a self-confessed atheist), and life in general.

He said something that hit me that went across the lines of :"It's important to be both a good speaker and a good listener. Don't be afraid to speak because it gives a chance to other people to be a good listener."

And lots of other good reminders and stuff learnt throughout.

So, you might not realise it, but thanks Albert! For making this plane ride an enjoyable one for me, for helping me with my luggages, for calming my nerves (I got very scared when my gum was still bleeding quite furiously), for showing some magic tricks of yours (something he does best), and just being an awesome company lah :).

Oh, during the journey at night, it was the first time i could see a whole blanket of stars so clearly from the plane! Awesome-ness. :)

As usual, love the clouds too. :)

Bracing myself...

2009-09-16T21:04:00.006+01:00

*Takes in a deep breath*

...for at least another 10 months worth of a ride.

I will choose to rejoice. I will choose to stand on His promises that it's His battle. That pretty much placed everything in perspective.

...despite the several unexpected emotional outburst/release for the past few days. But some good probably came out of it. Sigh. (Okok, i've been sighing way too much. It's becoming my favourite word).

Time to put myself together again.

Bye Malaysia and everything that's in you.

And time to look ahead.

Hello UK, again. Hello challenges and growing up, and new lessons, experiences, perspectives and people.

And i choose to :).

P/s: I apologise if i haven't said bye properly to you or worse still, haven't meet up with you! Especially some of my TOA mates and my NS friends. I'm sorry!!! I've been terrible. Hopefully next year i'd be able to!

Ah...can't help loving my sisters :)

2009-09-08T20:19:00.002+01:00

The other day, while the rest of the family were busy with our own agendas after dinner, my younger sisters had their friend, aka the neighbour kid, over at our place.

As girls always do, they would play dress up, had their own fashion show and stuff inside closed doors of our room. (I was busy online outside in the open area as usual :P) But never did i expect them to come up with all these:

Not bad for a 10-year-old and a 12-year-old ay? But my first reaction was to laugh my head off lah! Especially at this one:

Sigh, kids these days.

No doubt about how adorable my sisters are of course. :D

They took my mum's Kodak digital camera, a portable spotlight and striped carpet from my parent's room, my pink caps (one of it is from 2006 B.B Pesta KL group singing competition) and pink ribbon (also a small part of costume from the same singing competition), my guitar, and they turned off the lights in the room except for the spotlight they 'borrowed'.

Seriously, i'm impressed. I wouldn't be able or even have the idea to come up with all that at their age. But i guess i could safely say that the blood of creativity runs in the family ;).

I was also stumped at the sudden realisation of how grown up they are now! Especially as i was talking to them and noticed the way they talk. They aren't the silly, annoying, small lil brats i used to know anymore. Especially my older younger sis, very soon she will be stepping into the world of being a teenager, growing up into a young lady, and.... okay, i refuse to think about it anymore.

On my youngest sister, very often i can't help but to smile or laugh at her cheekiness and innocence and i would wonder how would she grow up to be like. Sometimes i wish she don't need to, so that she won't need to face the world's cold, harsh, cruel reality. Sigh.

Even as i think of all these everytime, i would shed an imaginary (or sometimes a rare chance of a real) tear or two. *sniff*

I think i finally know a lil bit of how my mum would feel. :/

I wouldn't trade these 2 precious girls for anyone else in this whole wide world lah. Same goes to the rest of my family :) (though i remember when i was really really REALLY young, i'd always wish childishly that i could have a better younger brother, or a sister instead of a brother because he was always bullying me and we would always fight. Like really fight, literally, armed with anything we could get our hands on, eg.: badminton racket, wooden stick, books, etc etc. or just our fists. Man, those were the days.)

ThankYou God for giving these precious blessings, for this thing called family and for love. :)

And uh...they will laugh at these pictures in 10 years time :).

I will declare

2009-09-03T14:45:00.003+01:00

Image by D Breezy.

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is the God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here!

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

(The Desert Song by Hillsong)

I've been overwhelmed and amazed at how God's been assuring and reassuring me, especially during camp. Even though it seemed like i've done everything i could do, and i kept trying and striving as though as i've not done enough, God says it is okay. It is okay to feel that way, it is okay to be where I am now. It is not my fault. I've forgotten to cast my cares and burdens upon Him. My faith had been shakened.

I've been afraid. Afraid that I did something wrong that made me end up where i am, afraid that i won't be passionate and on fire again, afraid that God isn't really the God i've known to be, afraid that it is my fault to feel so tired and weary and spiritually dry (which i thought shouldn't happen because we are to live victorious lives in Jesus), afraid of what is waiting ahead of me, afraid and tired of moving forward to face my giants.

Sigh, thinking of all that already feels so draining. =/

But God is faithful through it all. :) Because..

"No temptation (or trials) has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted (and tested) beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
- 1 Cor 10:13

Sue Ann reminded me through her prayer that God's silence doesn't mean His absence.

Ps. Guy told and reminded us that even Moses needed a refreshing though he's been speaking to God face to face, and God gave him some drama to refresh Moses' faith. Even Elijah was tired, weary and depressed, God listened to his nonsense and gave him what he need - ALOT of rest and food, because he still have a great journey ahead of him (God's not done with you yet!). Even John the Baptist who knew Jesus from the womb, needed some assurance if Jesus is really the Messiah, and Jesus reminded him of all the things He has done.

He understands, and He will provide.

And that i am to press on and continue to dig until i find water.

About God's promise about the Promised Land, i've already crossed my Red Sea and I'm in my Jordan river right now, i need to overcome my fear and put my feet into the water.

Fear. Because of fear, the children of Israel didn't get to go into the Promised Land.

I've been seeing myself as small compared to my giants. I forgot to look at the greatness of my God instead.

It's time. Sigh (A relieved one mixed with the one where you get up from the sofa and start walking). It's time soon to step out and move forward again with my eyes on Jesus. It's time to embrace change while being steadfast and live and breathe in the One who never changes.

"He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake." - Psalm 23: 3

"He holds victory in store for the upright,
He is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
for He guards the course of the just
and protects the way of His faithful ones." - Proverbs 2: 7-8

Thank You Lord for ALL of Your marvellous goodness and abundant grace and over-flowing love!!! :))

ThankYou also for all the people that i had meaningful, encouraging conversations with during camp, for refreshing me and filling me up again though it's still in the process, for the fun and laughter and "bonding sessions" and just EVERYTHING lah! :)

A place like no other

2009-08-31T17:32:00.002+01:00

HOORAY! Malaysia is in her 52nd year of independence now :).

I am going to be biased and declare that Malaysia is the best country in the whole wide world! :) Minus the politics, the injustice, the education system and a whole bunch of ugliness of it.

Yes, we can't have everything. But Malaysia is beautiful and filled with so much don't you think? There is truly no other country like Malaysia.

As we move on to greater heights, times and seasons of change, or just clinging on to the hope that there will be change for the better,...

...remember the roti canai, the maggi mee goreng, the durian, the ice kacang, the pisang goreng, the sambal, the kari-kari, the rendang, the nasi lemak, the milo, the teh tarik, the asam laksa, the rojak, the satay, the ikan bakar, the char kuey teow, the pasar malam..(and the list goes on and on and on) - all you can find at the road side regardless of where you are in Malaysia, that brought (and is still bringing) all of us together. :D

Image by ChopstickPants.

I love Malaysia. I really do. :)

Remember this

2009-08-22T15:51:00.000+01:00

Image by Steven David Johnson.

Still.

Silent night.

Wind chime by the window resounding its sweet pretty tinkling twinkling bell voices.

Soft, mesmerising, inconsistent yet strong, sharp, significant..

Always fading away and showing itself again at the same time.

Very much like sea waves in the silent night. It twinkles and shines as each wave took turns bobbing up and down, reflecting and multiplying the stars and moonlight... Such beauty.

Feeling the cool breeze on your skin.

The sound of leaves rustling.

The smell of damp air.

Thunder rumbling far away.

Yet this feeling that they are coming closer with each passing moment.

It feels, sounds, and smells like it is going to rain.

---

Like the symphony of an orchestra, it started soft.

Sounds of busy scattering drops on rooftops.

And it slowly builds up...more, and more, and more, and MORE.

With some rumbling of the thunder here, and booming of the thunder there.

And here.

And there.

There's something calming and releasing about watching rain falls.

Big fat rain drops falling furiously unto the earth.

Like how crying soothes and releases the soul? Is is because of that?

Tears. Water. H2O.

Such a simple combination.

It feeds, moisturises, cleans, washes, purifies, carries, contains, calms, releases, gives lives, takes away lives, beautifies, damages, destroys... and so much more.

It could be passed off as nothing, to everything, to.. too much that it is powerful and violent enough that it destroys.

Wow. Who would've thought of such design, something so simple, yet so complicated, so capable of doing so much, so vast its usefulness are!

And now they become hastened whispers outside the window. Slowly fading away into nothingness.

Yet, it's just the beginning for those tiny drops of water.

....or have they always been here since the beginning?

The same old atoms and molecules?

It probably doesn't matter.

Safe

2009-08-17T17:57:00.000+01:00

28th July 2009 10:04pm

“…And to all Malaysians, welcome home.”

Ah…those are one of the best words that I’ve heard after so long. I can’t help but smile like a retard, especially after catching the first glimpse of lights of Kuala Lumpur. And later on the sight of people, the sign boards, the ‘Malaysian-ness’ of everything, the sounds, the people, the smell.

Ahhh…NOTHING BEATS BEING HOOMMEEE! :)

I’M HOME! I’M HOME!

*Happyhappyjoyjoy*

Seven weeks and a day. I shall try my best to make the most out of it. :)

---

A funny scene after boarding Air Asia X:

“….Ladies and Gentlemen, I want to remind you that you are flying with Air Asia – the best low cost airline in the world.”

*Voices of sheepish/sarcastic laughter and muffled voices of mumbles and exchange of comments.*

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, it's 5 weeks and 4 days left.

I've been really REALLY dreading to go back to the UK, still am. But a friend pointed out to me that i should break that. But i guess I'm still being stubborn and refusing to face the fact that i have to leave this comfy home soon. It was even depressing going into the airport just to send a friend of to U.S the other day.

Okay okay, i will eventually do that - looking at the brighter side and embrace the challenges, and the growth pain and blood that comes with it.

Like i already told some of my friends, it was SUCH a RELIEF the moment i touched down on KLIA. I didn't realise how stressful, tired and weary I felt. And how depressing my posts were. I've forgotten how to be myself. No, let me rephrase that, i've forgotten how was i really like, let alone being myself.

Now i'd say, it's been a painfully challenging year. I definitely got what i asked for - to grow up. There's been both ups and downs of course. But it felt like the downs outweigh the ups. I'm not complaining.

It's just that i didn't understand what i was going through (that's why i stopped blogging for a while), it was really confusing. Only when i'm home, after talking to some diserning friends, i begin to be able to start seeing things a little clearer.

I've been humbled and learnt to respect people even though they might seem insignificant or have a different point of view which i disagree.

I've learnt alot about myself. As much as i don't want to be like my parents, i still inherit their personality in one way or another. It's so.....weird..and awkward. But i've learnt to embrace it. And also to embrace who i am, both my strengths and weaknesses. And learnt that i have to make the extra effort to strike a balance in the way i see things, in the way i treat people, in the way i manage my life.

And alot of other things i don't really know how to put them in words. My perspectives changed, people become more valuable, growing up in Malaysia is one of the best thing that happened. Really really!

I have to remind myself that it's already August.

Whoa..

That's 2009 almost coming to an end!

*gasp*

Seriously..i didn't realise that.

It seemed like it's just yesterday when we stepped into year 2009.

As always, i am aware that God has been the one pulling me through. Now i could see how His breaking and making me again is for good - still in the process though. And how He brought people together and His timing is just so perfect and amazing. Also, His moulding and shaping us is an on-going thing, never ends until we leave this earth.

Hopefully, hopefully, i will be restored and renewed in time before flying back to UK.

I'm not ready just yet.

"Sometimes, many times, I get so engrossed in the stories of others that I forget that I have my own story to live too."
- Me (31st Jan 2009)

Just for the record, it's one of those days

2009-04-25T23:10:00.006+01:00

It was such a beautiful day today :))

Just lying on the grass, surrounded by the flowers, the trees, the sun, the clouds and the people..and the sweet strummings of the guitar....and the Holy Spirit Himself.

Couldn't be better. :)

P/s: Thankyou Suet Ling and her SLR :)
And God for His MARVELLOUS creations and EVERYTHING else!

On feeling happy

2009-04-23T00:18:00.011+01:00

I want to laugh as we talk about the good old times, knowing that the same moments are running through our minds.

I want to laugh knowing that I’m safe in your warm strong arms that no one else’s can replace.

I want to laugh like it doesn’t matter anymore.

I want to laugh knowing that I’m no longer weighed down.

I want to laugh as I dance and twirl and whirl with you on the beach with sand between our toes, knowing that I’m yours, and you’re mine.

I want to laugh knowing that I’m home.

I want to laugh knowing that I’m no more feeling tired or dragged down.

I want to laugh knowing that all my strivings and struggles ended – victoriously.

I want to laugh knowing that only all that is good is left in front of me.

I want to laugh for real.

Maybe I can laugh as we run even when it’s gloomy.

Maybe I can laugh in the midst of my struggles knowing that I will come out victoriously.

Maybe I can laugh knowing that everything will be beautiful in the end – like how it’s meant to be.

Maybe I can choose to laugh now, just because YOU ARE.

"Life's not about waiting for the storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."
-Vivian Greene

"She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come. "
-Proverbs 31: 25

P/s: Maybe I meant joy, not just an outward physical act.

Bits and pieces from New Word Alive conference 09

2009-04-09T00:14:00.005+01:00

If there's one interesting thing about NWA, it's the arts track.

(Forgive me if some parts seem out of place because I'm taking it straight from my notes. Trying my best to piece them together though =P)

For christian artists, (not just artists who paint and draw, but artists who also dance, make music, act, design theatres, write, sing, and the list goes on) we were given this question:

"How does your art function in the kingdom of God?"

Very simple right?

But as we were separated into smaller groups to discuss, we came out with more questions, but no answers.

Someone suggested that our roles are mostly to be sowers of seeds.

Another person suggested that our art is to be a catalyst of bringing the lordship of Christ to other people/ into the lives of other people.

And other person asked how are we to define art? What does art really mean? And how God meant art to be in the beginning?

We couldn't answer that for sure for it has been changing and developed so dramatically throughout the history of mankind. And different people has different views on what true art really is. Or is there such thing as "true art" at all?

And, "kingdom of God". What does it really mean? Heaven? Or is it just where God has lordship over? Someone suggested that the kingdom of God is in us/ in our lives.

About using whatever we have to bless others, what does bless really means?

The speaker, Ellis said to bless is "to make larger" and "cause to grow". And growing is painful.

And he posed us another question: "Is art a commodity or a relationship?"

But if you wanna define those words, he said definition is dead. Definition can be a (big) circle. The inside of the circle contains things which are acceptable and outside of the circle are things which are not. For example, banana, can be a ripe banana, unripe banana, big banana, tiny banana, red banana etc etc. But banana can't be a cup, that's totally out of the circle. But that doesn't mean it's evil. It's just not a banana, that's all. Get it? But the contemporary political/ social idea now accepts all. But absolute freedom equals death. So, constricting limitations are necessary.

Have a godly approach to everything.

And what is art? What does it mean? Art has form. A girl suggested that art is probably "a lie that helps us realise the truth?".

Meaning means relationship. Nothing has meaning in itself. God doesn't find meaning in His creation. He's the meaning. He defines Himself. I AM - "I am the purpose of my own being".

And that we have to be aware of the relationship between the creator, the creation and the viewer.

So does God has limitations as well? He doesn't. But because He lives within His promises, that's the only thing that 'limits' Him.

"Art is human deliberate human action."

It's not just pure imagination. It's not natural. And it's something spiritual as well. The key is responsibility. Art is something you're responsible for.

Human? what about God? In Ellis' opinion, God is not an artist, but He is THE Creator.

We are to live in the natural and the unnatural world.

We're guilty. But without guilt, there is no hope. Only when we're guilty, then only we can be forgiven, restored, and have hope.

If you're never wrong, then you're never alive, you'll never learn.

There were some who're comedians among us and one of them asked if entertainment is art as well.

He said entertainment is a hold between or engagement. A pause, or break. And we need it, it refreshes us. It's therapeutic.

Art should be active, responsible and interactive. The true finction of artist is to wake people up and to help them to be human. It probably should be something people can relate to? and not something to buy for comfort?

The general reality is good, true and beautiful. But it has been replaced by the gratifying, firming, and empowering - which is centred outside ourselves (more than what we actually are?). So, we have to be careful not to lose the reality.

As you know, the skills, abilities and knowledge we have comes from the Holy Spirit and we are to treasure, use and develop them. Not hide them, not think of them less than what the others have. And we are to take full responsibility of it.

If you bake bread, you'll have to know the nature of yeast. You have to know what it likes. It'll either be grumpy and will not grow and multiply, OR the other way and make the bread berkembang/rise. So, know what you like! And what you're meant to do.

There's a blibical mandate of creativity.

Is art for consumerism then? No, it's supposed to be other-centred - love.

He started telling us that parents ask him which shows/movies should they not allow their children to watch. That's not a bad thing. But if we protect ourselves, others in that way, by building a wall around ourselves, we're not fulfilling our responsibility? (to love/bless?) If we're doing that, might as well don't listen to ourselves because we're filled with filth and we're not edifying to ourselves as well.

Pop art is actually self-centred. People love it beacuse it brings so much comfort, as a form of escape?

The kingdom of God is a kingdom of other-centredness - love. Like Jesus, who spent most of His time with broken people, not sweet and nice people who're 'blessings' to them? We/ they are all wonderfully and fearfully made.

Be like children. Ask questions. The betrayed and fallen world made us afraid to ask questions.

The kingdom of heaven is not having walls around us, protected, having comfort or familarity, from the devil to destroy us. Walk by faith, not by sight.

We have to learn to submit, discover our limits and respect them.

Creativity must not be our God. We should be more creative because we have a God. Stimulate our 'neighbours' (or people who view/ experience our art) to ask questions - "Who am I as a human being?"

Be a blessing, to have people to grow and be more human.

Be a more God-shaped man rather than a man-shaped God. (er...actually i'm still trying to make sense of the 2nd part of this phrase =/)

How can art enlarge our life and blessings? Rather than reduces and curses.

Reality is expanding.

The heavens reflect the reality of heaven, where God rules from, where His throne is, where He dwells (He dwells in us christians as well!), "the dimension where God's will is done", the source of life that gives fruitfulness, connecting the seen and unseen. It's deeper. It's always been above and around you. Seasons and creations - they reflect the unseen of the gospel.

So the heavens speaks to us a deep sense of reality.

Ever thought of why Christmas is in winter and Easter is celebrated in spring? Because winter is like symbolising the end - of hardship, pain, suffering etc. And spring symbolises a new start/ beginning! It also means hope.

In Genesis, God commands us to fulfill the earth and order it. That we are to extend the rule of heaven on earth. We're the creatures God chose to do that, to work with and to have a relationship with.

I love this part:

"We live in a world where reality becomes what things are made of. But that is just actually part of what they are, what their true meaning is. Being worldly is to treat reality as if the world/earth is all that it is."

I wanted to ask him to quote a scripture to support that. But there wasn't time. I wanted to ask alot of questions as well. There was too much to absorb! And i think my notes left out quite an amount of important points just because i couldn't write fast enough. Should have been smarter to just record it! Bengang. =/

So, the way back to heaven is barred. His creatures in rebellion against Him. He decided to redeem.

The Holy of Holies - the connecting point from earth to heaven and vice versa. And then the incarnation of Jesus - fully God and fully man.

We live in a world where it's 100% reality. But in reality, the world we're living in is actually 200% reality, or even up to 900% reality!

It's actually deeper and thicker than what we think it is, than what it is made of. It's still physical, but more.

During Jesus' baptism - heaven's being torn open. The same thing happened during Jesus' cruxifiction (after he shouted "It is finished!"), the temple's curtain was torned open from top to bottom.

Now heaven is flooding into earth. And this same Jesus who has been taken into heaven, will come back. It's heaven on earth. Heaven coming to earth instead of us going to heaven. (New Jerusalem will be coming down from heaven to earth).

Heaven's poured out at the day of Pentecost. Heaven comes and fills God's earth with God's rule, then it's back to the Eden story again! (only with sin lurking around waiting to be defeated that is.)

We're the image of God. We're the seen expression of the unseen.

Glory actually means weight, depth, thickness, something profound.

Art talks about unseen things through the seen. The unseen is in rebellion as well.

Heaven is not an immaterial dimension of reality, for God did not redeem the immaterial? Heaven is invisible, but not immaterial.

Jesus has a physical body after ressurection. So where's Jesus' body? It goes with Him to heaven. That means heaven has physicality to it. Same goes with angels.

There're 2 dimensions of God's creation. We're the flat part, while heaven gives dimension to earth (us).

Heaven is weighty, and has access to all time and space on earth. So that means Jesus and the cross can work thorugh time and space as well/ moving between the dimensions.

The universe is inexhaustable. Can you imagine?

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,.." - Philippians 3:20

So live in a heavenly way. We're doing what we'll be doing when we're in heaven. (Living in the spirit, where the flesh(ly desires) is already crucified on the cross.)

When you're a new creation, it can be seen through the quality and fullness of your life.

"More than that, we are then found to be false witnesses about God, for we have testified about God that he raised Christ from the dead. But he did not raise him if in fact the dead are not raised. For if the dead are not raised, then Christ has not been raised either. And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ are lost. If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men.
But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive. But each in his own turn: Christ, the firstfruits; then, when he comes, those who belong to him. Then the end will come, when he hands over the kingdom to God the Father after he has destroyed all dominion, authority and power. For he must reign until he has put all his enemies under his feet. The last enemy to be destroyed is death. For he "has put everything under his feet." Now when it says that "everything" has been put under him, it is clear that this does not include God himself, who put everything under Christ. When he has done this, then the Son himself will be made subject to him who put everything under him, so that God may be all in all." - 1 Corinthians 15: 15-28

We need to fix our minds on heaven. Learn to see the whole of reality instead of just the worldly point of view. It's bigger than earth itself. Expand our "flatland" reality into a 3D heavenly reality. It's the word of God or human beings.

Every time is static. Eternity, doesn't deny time but it's infinite.

Colossians 2:

^"1I want you to know how much I am struggling for you and for those at Laodicea, and for all who have not met me personally. ²My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, ³in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. ⁴I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments. ⁵For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is.
Freedom From Human Regulations Through Life With Christ
⁶So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, ⁷rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
⁸See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.
⁹For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, ¹⁰and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. ¹¹In him you were also circumcised, in the putting off of the sinful nature, not with a circumcision done by the hands of men but with the circumcision done by Christ, ¹²having been buried with him in baptism and raised with him through your faith in the power of God, who raised him from the dead.
¹³When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you^c]"> alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, ¹⁴having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. ¹⁵And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.^d]">
¹⁶Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. ¹⁷These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. ¹⁸Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize. Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions. ¹⁹He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow.
²⁰Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: ²¹"Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? ²²These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. ²³Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence."

We are to be a body in a fullness of reality?

We watched a video of Dr Quantum visits Flatland to help us understand the whole concept of the dimensions.

It's the flatland, where only forward, backward, left, right exists. There're no such thing as up and down. And that they have no concept pf 3D objects.

I googled Dr Quantum and found the video in Youtube!:

Fear of the unknown?

"You'll have to become it to know."

:D

So, art is about serving others.

Someone suggested that we're being disobedient to God if we're not using our gifts given to us.

We are to ask ourselves: How are the people to be served? Who are the people?

Art is love and service functioning in the kingdom of God.

Have a deeper art to shine out. Let it provoke conversation and discussions of something/ issues, etc.

The way people read something is very subjective and personal. How can you communicate and let the audience relate, connect and be blessed? And how much of ourselves are coming through it? (We are to be light and salt of the world, not the other way round.)

If we're 'reproducing someone else's work, "Are ____ being played/made? Or (you/whoever) is playing making?"

For example in music, if a person were to play Beethovan's Symphony No.3 in E flat major 'Eroica' on piano - "Is Symphony No.3 in E flat major 'Eroica' being played?" or " (Insert your name here) is playing."?

To glorify God is to add depth of seen and unseen, being obedient, faithful, in the way you live your life.

Ask yourself what are the different ways we can glorify God?

Humanize each other. Know what it really means to be an artist servant.

Be saturated by God's work. Clean, create, increase the order and beauty of our environment. Are we communicating something that's real, true and glorious?

Know the steps/levels and your audiences' steps they're capable of. (To avoid letting your art not fulfilling its purpose.) For example, the stage design. Will it distract people from worshipping God in spirit and in truth? Or will it compliment and point them towards the beauty of God?

The question can also be turned into: "How does our deliberate human action function in the kingdom of God?"

Our art is not to pacify and put people to sleep, but to challenge them, make them grow, wake them up and help them to be human. Communicating is challenging, engaging. And art is all about communication. And art is also a language because the purpose of language is to communicate in a community.

On the issue of manipulation, there's nothing wrong in making the audience feel certain emotions (especially in music). Part of relationship is to have emotions. Art (music etc) enchance and help the audience feel what's going on.

Manipulation is getting people to feel one thing when another thing is happening.

On illustration for (story)books, it is to invite deeper exploration into the story.

Ask yourself whether what you make is part of a new creation?

In the process of creating, we grow ourselves.

In God's perfection, there're opportunities, not finality.

God's kingdom is alway expanding, growing and more glorifying. And we're part of it.

Beauty is:

Balanced
Coordinated
Rich
Deep
Dynamic
True

Have deeper aesthetics in what you do and make.

There's the reductionism that comes from the fall. All sin is reduction. It's taking something and making them everything.

--

Phew..that's about it from the art track. There's still the international track and 'evening celebrations' we have every night with great speakers.

If you're not in the area of creative arts, you're still an artist in your own way! Because art is deliberate human action. :)

So, unleash your creativity people! :D

Gloom's no longer over me!

2009-03-11T02:35:00.013Z

Dear blog,

I’m sorry I’ve abandoned you for quite awhile. I have a couple of reasons why I did. I have been quite busy lately. And it’s been quite fruitful. And it felt good. The second reason is that I’ve been quite reluctant and I just couldn’t copy everything I typed from MS Word into your tummy and click ‘Publish’ because I feel so naked sharing my thoughts out like that.

I’ve never felt like that before.

Probably because I actually felt scared to conteng you. I’m afraid of ruining you. By that I mean, I’m afraid I’ll regret writing what I’ve written like I’m proud of it, only to reveal how shallow, prideful and immature I actually am. Or am I? =/

Probably because I have been going through a season of major-minor change, disrupting my comfortable safe routine. It taught me to unlearn it and forced me to go back to square one again. That made me see things in a new light. Like a song you’ve heard too many times but forgot to truly comprehend the lyrics and feel the heart of the song, I think that’s how it has been. It has been quite hard and gloomy and depressing to be taken away of what you thought was your reason to live, only to search and find it again and see it as something familiar but new, and something more.

Probably because it was just winter. I am surprised at myself that seeing the glorious sun bursting through the grey clouds makes me SMILE and makes me want to sing for joy! I have been so in awe of the sun every time I see it on my way to class and back. I couldn't help taking lots of pictures of them (other people will probably think i'm being jakun XD). Wish I could just sit down on the pavement and just enjoy it all day. If only the sun stays there all day (the weather changes every hour). Now that will be phenomenal wouldn't it? ;)

But I want my friends who are reading this to know that, things are finally looking brighter for me now. I am finally climbing out of this tunnel, with lots of help from everywhere – from sunny days, to wonderful people and books, to whispers from the Holy Spirit (though I still yet to understand what it really means to listen from Him.)

I’ve been learning a lot recently. I’ve been learning to treasure every single moment and day. I have had a tiny lil taste of what it means to live life to the fullest. It’s a lot of effort, but Mmm...it tastes delicious. I’ve been learning to see things from the bigger picture. No more dress rehearsals. Every single day counts. It makes a difference. It’s up to us whether it’s a positive or a negative one. I’ve learnt that not everything must be announced to the whole world. As much as I want to share anything good with everyone, there’re some things that have to be treasured quietly in the heart as well. Though I have yet to fully understand and master that.

Perspectives. They make all the difference lah. On how we view things, how we view other people, how we view ourselves, how others actually see us and how we want others to see us.

You’ll be so surprised. You will never know. =/

And how it changes our attitude and confidence towards things and ourselves and other people - for the better or for the worse.

Don't like something? Change how you think about it.

I’ve never realized how insecure I am until I realize how I care too much about what others will think of me recently. I thought I’m over that phase already. Apparently I have not. =(

I miss talking with friends whom I know really well, and vice versa. I miss being myself around people. No pretence of being confident. No empty talks. No high level of self-consciousness.

The other day when we were taking communion during service, I was thinking about what Jesus went through and how He lived His life here on earth.

He was a carpenter. How could it be like as He went through his daily chores and stuff? He had enemies as well. He was not afraid to do what is right even though it provoked anger and negative feelings among some people. He brought a huge change and difference, going against what was deemed correct and what they should do. He was not afraid of going against the norm and living out the truth as it is.

And we are to be like Him. Not to melt into the crowd and settle for the mediocre, but to live extraordinary lives - start by being faithful in small things!

The crown of thorns on His head. The bloody slashes on His back. Spit on His face. Each blow of excruciating pain every time the soldier beat the nail into His hands.

“You mean THIS much to Me. I love you.”, The Holy Spirit whispered.

He placed His love for us on such a public display. I was overwhelmed … and stumped for words.

“How much do I mean to you? Do you love Me?”, He whispered again.

I’m ashamed. I have been such a disappointment.

“A lot. Y-y-yes. I do.”, I tried to reply.

“Show it then.”

Sigh, I need to be conscious of it every single moment. To obey Him and live out His will. It’s all about the people around me, even people on the tram, people walking past me, my classmates, my housemates, my friends. What would Jesus do?

Help me God! To imitate Christ. To be set apart. To know Your heart.

It’s kind of hard to believe how God has been painfully patient with me. Teaching the same things I’m supposed to learn in the beginning, over and over again.

It’s been heart wrenching to read about God’s heart, pleadings and desires concerning Israel throughout their history. How they went through glorious and dark times, and how many times God wanted to give up on them because of their stubbornness but He just couldn’t because He loves them too much. It’s mind-blowing that we, tiny little fragile lost humans, mean SO MUCH to the Maker of the universe!!

This is amazing! Looks like a heart doesn't it?
"WOWW....Thank You God!!!" was all i could say. =))

Gosh, sorry lah. This is such a long post. I think I could go on and on and on and on.

For the days ahead, I want to and am learning to be consistent. I'm glad that I have things to look forward to. I'm glad that life is filled with so much. There's so much we can do, so much waiting for us to be cherished and achieved. Life is filled with endless possibilities!!

It's so good to be still alive. =)

P/s: Pictures were taken by my camera phone. Tweaked their brightness and contrast a lil. =)

Love,

Me.

On battling resistance

2009-02-15T01:06:00.009Z

"And just in case you were thinking of giving in to your own form of resistance, here’s a kick in the pants, Pressfield-style:
“If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself. You hurt your children, you hurt me, you hurt the planet,” Pressfield writes. “You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite God Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter further along its path back to God.” "

-Taken from Boundless webzine (Getting Unstuck: Stepping Toward Your Dreams)

Ouch.

Maybe...

2009-02-14T01:42:00.007Z

... I have been way too ignorant and unaware of what is going on in this world around me.

Always choosing to stay cooped up in this comfortable, rosy bubble of mine.

*Pop*

I'm sorry... Please be patient with me.

For living out what i've learnt has always been disguised as an incovenient choice... or a habit yet to be programmed into my heart and mind.

(The sad thing is, i seemed to be always forgetting what i've learnt after a period of time. =/ Reminders are absolutely essential!)

A form of escape... doesn't everybody has one? How do you stay sane in this messed up world?

But this "escape" that i have, made me face reality with renewed strength and perspective to carry on.

It's more than an escape. It's not an escape, for escapes are temporary and artificial.

Mine works hand in hand with reality.

*sigh* This made my day today =)

Sometimes i forgot there's still beauty in this world and in our lives. I just forgot to choose to look at them more often.

Work in progress

2009-02-08T20:53:00.009Z

Sometimes you have to be broken
to know what it means to be full
sometimes you gotta fall
to know what it means to stand up tall

so when you're ever there
when life seems unfair
when you've hit the floor
remember, the only way to go is up

so grit your teeth
clench your fists
one thing for sure
you're gonna come out stronger

fix your eyes on the hill
for wisdom, strength and will

- Strife by Markus Ng

-----

I don't know, I don’t know
I really want to, but it doesn't show
My projections, my convictions
Muddled mess, so much confusion
I don’t know, I don’t know.

What do I say when you've heard it all
Excuses, lies, remorse, more lies
Yet still I dare to mouth them words
I'm sorry for how much it hurts and disappoints

I'm not perfect,but I’m gonna try
seek the truth and apply
I want to honestly repent
Give you my 100%

I want to want to love You as You love me too
I want to want to live life as You'd want me to
I want to want to honour You
More than anything I want to want to

I'm not there yet, but I'm trying
Pushing on, oh I'm striving
Wait for me, I'm arriving
So help me God.

- I Want To I Want To by Markus Ng

A lot of his songs really echoed what i want to say, and how i feel, my hopes and my struggles now.

As silly as it sounds (because i don't know him at all until i heard about his death), after reading his blog and what other people has to say about him, his passing away affected me much, also in playing a major part in bringing me back to focus on what really matters - running the race of life that God has set before us with love, wisdom and perseverance, making a positive difference along the way, fighting the good fight and keeping the faith. (now that i remember, God work in ways least expected.)
He's truly an inspiration, painfully honest, so... human.
I can't imagine how much more it pains and hurts for his friends and family to face his sudden departure.
I look forward to meet him in heaven someday.

After all that, and after talking to Sarah Chan today (accompanied with much tears and letting go my emotional baggages), i can say with confidence now that I'm slowly getting back on track after failing in trying to get up again and again for after what seems so long. It comforts me a lot that I'm gonna come out of this stronger. I can finally see small streams of light shining through the tunnel already.

Thank you Sarah and Markus. And thank You God for both of them and my friends who encouraged and supported me.
Thank You God for being so real to me by speaking to me and reminding me patiently in so many ways throughout.

Learning to be present and be faithful in small things.

Just wait. Heading to the 'Promised Land'.
Still in the midst of waiting and rebuilding.
I know it isn't gonna be a smooth path ahead.

Still, i take joy in knowing that something good is gonna come out of this, for all things work together for the good of those who love Him.
(Romans 8: 28).

2009-02-04T19:43:00.005Z

There she is.

Sprawled on muddy ground.

If it wasn’t for the pitch black darkness, one could see her very much tear-stained cheeks.

Confused.

With a tiny hope left in her, she tried using her hands to feel her way on the ground. But that tiny little hope soon vanished after realizing it was no use. She can’t see through the darkness to see what is around her.

Feeling hopeless devastated, alone.

What brought her to where she is now in the first place?

Where, what happened to the fire which gave her warmth and light…and life?

For the first time in a long time, she is feeling helpless – the feeling that made her realize that she is weak. Not a single soul there to lift her to her feet or to shed some light to show her where she is.

Weary, she decided to stop trying to find answers to her many questions.

She closed her eyes and listened.

Wind is blowing. Leaves rustling. Chilly air against her arms and cheeks.

Slowly but surely, she could see the mist ahead of her. She could tell there is a source of light coming but she couldn’t tell where.

It’s coming nearer and nearer. She could feel the significant warmth against her skin.

Butterflies with joy in her stomach, she got up to her feet, afraid at the same time of what is going to happen.

But excitement, joy and desperation soon overcame the fear in her heart and she took a step forward in the lighter darkness.

Fear soon disappears and she took another step forward.

And another. And another. And another.

Her steps became faster and soon she started running.

“Almost there. Almost there. Where I can feel safe, where I belong”, she thought.

It’s getting brighter and brighter. She could see now. Trees passing her by, fields carpeted with grass, shiny with fresh dew.

A sudden empty darkness filled her sight.

She opened her eyelids a lil for a peek.

The same darkness.

“Oh, it was just dream.” She groaned.

She found herself already lying in the ground.

She sat up. Nothing within sight. The silence bore into her ears.

Helplessness and fear filled her heart again.

Where is she?

Suddenly, an ever so familiar gentle voice broke the silence.

“Come on girl, stand up and start walking. Trust me.”

“But, I can’t see a thing! How am I supposed to know where am I going?”

“You will eventually. Don’t worry about it. Just listen to me. Trust me.”

“Okay, if you say so.” She said silently.

Feeling the ground around her, she got up to her feet.

With a deep breath into her dry lungs, she took a step forward. And started walking step by step, carefully listening to the voice guiding her – her only companion, her source of comfort, strength and assurance.

After a few moments, sweet sounding voices interrupted the comfortable silence.
“Oh come on, don’t be a fool! You’re leading yourself into self-destruction! Heck, even a fool knows it is no good walking in the darkness like this.”

“Yeah! You don’t know how dangerous it is. You might fall into deep pits walking like that. Why don’t you just sit down and wait for help? That is always the smartest thing to do, isn’t it?”

“Smartest thing to do huh?” She thought.

She slowed down in her tracks and eventually came into a halt.

Doubts and confusion crept in.

What if they are right?

That gentle voice interrupted her thoughts again.

“Don’t you remember? This was what why you ended up here in the first place. You listened to them.”

She could recall now, bit by bit.

“But they care for me as well! They would want me to be safe!” She argued.

“Yes yes, we do we do!” They chipped in.

“Dear, of course I know that they care for you, but that doesn’t mean what they say is the truth, though they think it is. I have something specially planned for you. And you are to walk differently from how they do. You will look like a fool to them, but trust me, because I know. Do you notice how far you have come?”

Yes, she has been walking for quite awhile now she realized. Though she can’t see a thing, she had been walking on safe paths.

Again, a lot of ‘what if’s came into her mind. She debated within herself. It doesn’t help with the two distracting voices interrupting.

History repeating itself.

No. She decided. She won’t repeat the same mistake again. She had learnt to trust the voice that brought her this far, and she will continue trusting it and allowing it to lead her and be her guide and companion.

She started walking again. Those voices loudly protested. She was so tempted to stop again and listen to them.

But she walked on. And those voices faded. She could continue walking comfortably again.

After what felt like a very, very long walk with some bumps along the way, she noticed she could dimly see her surroundings.

She looked down on the ground at the soft grass she’s treading on.

“Look, you’re almost there.” The voice spoke again.

Looking up, she saw a bright light source ahead.

Excited, she ran ahead a lil to take a closer look of what it is.

There it is - a humongous bon fire. Flames dancing around fiercely with such passion and energy.

Finally feeling warmth hugging her skin again, she smiled for the first time in a long time.

“Yes, I can see it now.”

"Ain't it beautiful? It's been so long eh?"

"Yes it is. I'm glad to be back." She replied with a satisfied smile.

Much Afraid

2009-01-16T23:37:00.007Z

"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God."

-Psalm 43: 5

Sigh.

'In-between' periods.

Very much afraid, uncertain, lousy, but grateful.

Looking forward to the day where i'll reach the 'High Places' and be called 'Grace-and-Glory' with 'hind's feet'. (Hind's Feet On High Places)

Long way to go. If i'll ever reach that is.

“The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.”
- Habakkuk 3:19

Of new beginnings

2009-01-08T17:52:00.010Z

The new year resolution dove we made at sunday school with the kids.

Sigh... i'm not sure where to start really.

To be frank, i told myself that i wasn't ready to step into 2009. ("Noooo....not yet!")

But after the countdown, here i am! Already on the 8th day of the year. It's not that bad after all.

There were so many undone things. Things on the to-do list unfulfilled. 2008 just flew by.

I've learnt, and still learning, to take one day at a time. i realised i've been very impatient. Always can't wait to reach the tomorrow, can't wait to reach the last page of the book, can't wait to reach the end of the story.
Now i know why a friend told me in a recent past that i might thought i have succeeded in certain things, but because i missed some crucial steps leading to it, i fell back down again. It didn't make sense to me, now it does. In other words, learning to walk before i can crawl, maybe?

So, i'll always have to remember to live in the now!

Don't focus what i don't have. But what i do have now, make the best out of it!

Again, it's the journey that matters.

2008 was a year of growth and changes. (But in 2009, i want to grow even more, so much more.)

Mostly because of The One Academy, i experienced God's amazing grace and faithfulness in every way. It was hard, one of the most stressful periods in my life. But i've learnt that life ain't gonna be easy. Far too long i've stayed protected in a comfortable, rosy home of mine. But after all the what felt like never-ending challenges, it felt so good. All the hardwork is so worth it. *sigh*.

A part of me wants to go through it again. I want to look back and be satisfied and be proud of how far i've come. But the lazy and cowardy part of me says, "oh come on, you don't wanna get yourself into trouble, you know you'll be exhausted and yearn to be free of worries again."

Then again, i guess God already had other plans for me. Who would've thought i'll come to the UK this soon!

In 2007, i was afraid. Bacause the country is so foreign to me. I was just scared. And now i'm glad i was, if not i wouldn't have been able to go through the TOA life. =)
But in 2008, the thought of studying in UK is starting to look more inviting. Especially after knowing more people who're studying there. It ain't that bad after all. It was all quite sudden to be frank.

Although with all the major changes and lots of new people i got to know, 2008 seemed such a short year now. But it was definitely packed with so many surprises!

I've learnt to let go. Let go of the past, let go of things i hold dear, and to move forward into new places, for my good in the end.

I used to think that experiences doesn't really matter, because of encounters with people who're experienced in life, but has very child-like immature attitude. But after "being a lil more experienced", i'm starting to have some respect for people who are experienced, people who are older than me especially. Experiences does matter alot. Good or bad. It teaches, it sometimes strengthens. Whether the person is teachable or not, is another issue.

i've also learnt that words can be powerful. No, let me rephrase that, words ARE powerful. Words can make or break a person's soul. Yes, spoken words usually appears harmless. But ooohhh...you don't know how destructive it can be (hurting words), how it can influence a person's thoughts towards another person (gossiping). Or how it can change a person's life for the better (positive words, praises). It's amazing how our words can make such a big difference in another person's life. So, think before you let words out your mouth.

I got to know myself more. And i want to know me more this year. Alot of times i know and i don't know myself at the same time.

I also want to:

Truly understand what it means to live like a redeemed person. Because i am, in fact, redeemed by His blood.
Be more time conscious, living in the now.
Be punctual (sigh)
Truly understand what it really means to put Him as my first love, loving Him more than anything else.
Pray consistently and learn to intercede for others.
Be faithful and give my best in everything i do.
Share more of myself with people around me (ie.: stop being self-centered.)
Truly understand what it really means to have a servant's heart.
Grow up.

I wouldn't call them new year resolutions. Because those are choices that i have to choose everyday, for the rest of my life.

i still have a looooonnnnggg way to go. Sigh.

Wait, i should be glad, because that means i still have the chance to avoid the regrets other people have. i couldn't wait to go to the end of the journey again. (xin wei! Remember to take a step a time!)

There're alot of things i don't understand. Though sometimes i think i do, but when someone ask me to explain, i can't really figure out how to place and arrange them the way i should.

Someday, i will know how to.

Someday... just someday, i will truly understand.

Okay, 2009, i am ready now. =)

P.s: I can't believe it. I'm turning 20 this year! :/ :D